rocknlove4music's Journal

reasons for my state of mind:
My life story: i grew up in a middle-class Huge family(my dad was irish catholic-enough said-) which i love very dearly, and miss very badly. My cousins are the best, they're all mostly older than me and in college, ready to grow up without me(which is very depressing: me noticing it every christmas). I'm not a very stuck-up person, i dont expect things...to the point where the less i get, the more i give. I prefer to stay out of peoples buisness(letting it easy for them to not be embarrassed). I never "ask" for candy when its given. Never stare, or exclude people. Stand up for the right side, even if that means losing friends who i could have done without(but still). I admire from far off, let the worthy go first. I Never like to steal seats, or "butt" or...do anything that im afraid of. Basically im a boring person. I've been realizing that as days go by(as friend go)...but back to the story: I went to tuckaway for most of my toddler times, where:(my parents confused by my consistant whining of not wanting to go there) my parents moved me to Friendly Day Care..the nightmare, and reasons for my self-consciousness. I was use to friendly teachers and smiling babysitters, happy long-life friends from kindergarten, playing weird house games when i was SOOO hyper..ridlen was a questionable factor. I was never self-conscious and always trusted people(randomly ran to hug aged strangers). I was more a leader, a happy little girl who attracted people to be my friends. But Friendly was full of...bully's. I wasnt tough enough to fit. I was told to "shut up" when i talked, was given glares from older middle schoolers(6th grade). I was a little self efficient girl, who couldnt be tough enough to aim "talking torture" away from myslef. It got to a point when, since everyday people called me "stupid"..ect. I called myself stupid out loud. I soaked it up, and tried to give it back sevenfold, but it only went to others like me. "P" you were my newly-found best friend, and you hung by me there. When they made fun of you also, you hung out with me. You were the nicest girl i'd ever met, and you saved my boring days to turn into days with a friend. Sorry i was trying to act as tough as the other people, and mean to you at times. You were my first True friend..but when i left you without a word to be able to stay home from school on my own i didnt mean to leave sorely. I've heard you've gotten into bad crowds, been doing bad things...and i blame myself. The last thing i heard from you was a clammy joke you said about me that i heard from my other friend...Hanover seperated us..and eventhough you'll never see this, Im sooo Sorry. I got out. Left. Yet, i cant Not think about what people truly think about me. always think im too pathetic, always am too scared to do anything. My self-esteem has gained a little since then, that only those close to me can see it.(if your not close enough, you think im a.......-you can fill in the bleep). I keep people away. Make Sure guys who get close Stay Away...i cant trust anything, peoples "word" will never do. I've become a scitso, with a slight case of paranoia. HINT: This is all the bad stuff in my life...but good is plenty. I'm not a leader, not happy all the time, not laughable, not radiant, not funny, not sarcastically funny, not emotional AT ALL(as much as you'll ever see is ^here^. I'm a dreamer, a wisher, a person who burries herself in books, and poetry, and writing, and MUSIC, all fiction. I wait for a chance, never taking one. So in that i wil never do something in life worth remembering...never make an impact in someones life...i'll be a highschool friend forgotten over college. Sure, im normal...everyones normal to a point..everyone has a past, a reason for their mental being...well this is mine. I admire the opposite. Love guys...admire most. Look for hidden secrets in guys lifes. become interested finding hidden traits that can determine a strangers personality. I can be very compassionate(never had the chance) in my dreams, in my books, in my poetry. I have a personality not yet remotely matching someone else's, ultimitly making me mold my character into something other than what it is. I seem happy to people i dont know too well, but only wish to be close to. Seem mean to any guy who could like me some day(but no vise-versa) so i can avoid that moment when it messes the friendship up, and i have to do with -2 guy friends. I dream up fairy tales, dark secrets, mysterious-like guys, a story that will travel me into another dream i create..in otherwords i guess im a "artist" haha,..i offend everyone, am a follower, resently feel walked over, disregarded, a bore(i swear its true). i write this in hope that someone will become intrigued and know where these whole unorganized thoughts are coming from(preferable a guy)...its not even the tip of the ice, because my patience for someone to comment about this is running low...It's me^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^im still what you see, but this is how i see myself.
Love,
brett

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